Why shouldn’t you marry a calendar? Because its days are numbered! 📅

Some people pick their nose, but I was born with mine! 🤣

I was going to tell you a joke about boxing but I forgot the punch line.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.

I don't recommend entering a wormhole. You might get stuck in the apple.

The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone. He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”

Why did the egg have a day off? Because it was Fryday.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

How do you organize a space party? You “planet”! 🌎

What did the left eye say to the right eye? “Between you and me, something smells!” 👀

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!

What falls, but never needs a bandage? The rain.

I'm not a fan of spring cleaning. Let's be honest, I'm not into summer, fall, or winter cleaning either.

Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken. 🐔

What did the dirt say to the rain? If you keep this up, my name will be mud!

Why couldn't the sunflower ride its bike? It lost its petals.

What's an egg's favorite vacation spot? New Yolk City.

I ate a sock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

What kind of candy do astronauts like? Mars bars.

I wanted to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any.

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils… they dilate.

Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen reigned there for decades.

Did you know there's no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" whack.

A friend of mine went bald years ago but still carries around an old comb. He just can't part with it.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" It was a running joke.

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? "You look drunk."

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know, and I don't care.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta-way.

Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now!

Wait… You're not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

Heheheh😊😆😂🤣